Life is absurd. And life is precious. Family is a lot of both.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Who Cares?

I am the mother of a Mizzou freshman.

He texted me a few weeks into his semester to say, "I don't think I could be happier. I love it here so much."

This week that changed.

Drop off day
Now he feels judged based solely on what he looks like. He thinks people - people nationwide thanks to the coverage of #ConcernedStudent1950 protests - see his skin and assume they know exactly what he thinks. What he does. What he believes.

He's white.

[A little background: He was raised as an Army kid. We enjoyed neighbors, bosses, schoolmates, teachers, and friends who were black, Korean, German, Japanese, Swedish, get the idea. I myself was raised in a neighborhood that was considered "the wrong side of the tracks" and knew as many minority friends as white kids growing up. Race was a non-issue in our house because diversity was always a part of our lives.]

This is a kid who cares about people. All of them.

The very first thing we told him when the protests erupted was absolutely not to post anything on social media. Tough medicine for an extra-outgoing, people-loving, Twitter-a-holic journalism student. But he did a good job staying out the way for the most part.

The next thing we told him was simply this:

"Be kind."

Be kind to everyone like you always have been. Be especially kind to those who are the most upset by everything happening. Be kind when you are frustrated. When you are misunderstood. When you are hurt.

It's true that kindness doesn't always get you what you want. The protesters did not get the president and chancellor of Mizzou to step down because of kindness. Angry media personalities are not getting increased viewers and listeners and readers because of kindness. Social media dustups do not generate avid commenters with kindness.

But none of those results are the sort that matter when it comes to legitimately puncturing the heart of hatred.

And I'm not saying that kindness will end racism. Because for certain there are students...people...who feel hurt on a daily basis simply because of their race. Or gender. Or background. Or religion. Or any of those things that we just are and by which others judge us.

So kindness can really only make a difference to the person right in front of you.

That's okay. Make that difference.

We all know that no one person can make racism, or any form of hateful judgment, go away on a college campus or anywhere. Just be the person who says, "I would if I could."

Do that by making it go away for the person right in front of you right now. Kindness is powerful that way.

To the students of Mizzou, I hope in the end you get administrators, professors, coaches, and other staff who will be honest about the fact that they cannot find a way to eradicate all hatred.

But who will live in such a way that says, "I would if I could."

Who will be kind.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Weird Places I Find My Children's Socks

Sometimes I'm not sure what to think about my children.
The following are pictures I have snapped over the last 12 days.
None of them are staged.
None of the socks are clean.

The trampoline

The couch

My car cupholders?!?

A branch (propped in my laundry room
for a later project)

The dining room. At least they are
on the floor and not the table...this time.

This is my bed. And those are

Just to shake things up someone left a
pair of kneepads.
Can you tell they are balanced on the
heirloom family Bible?
I think they're messing with me.

Monday, May 4, 2015

How do you Spell Appreciation?

Things I have learned from good teachers:

1. Teachers are often the first to see the worst in a child.
But the good ones are often the first to see the best. Sometimes on the very same day.

2. Teachers see the best and worst in parents.
But the good ones can take one sincere compliment from an earnest parent and live on that for days or months at a time.

3. Teachers never know what may blindside them when they open that note or email from home.
But the good ones respond professionally even when they have to take a walk or count to 100 before they are calm enough to reply.

4. Teachers have 15, 20, 25 (or more!) "bosses" who judge them daily and do not hesitate to offer feedback thoroughly and often.
But the good ones don't pick favorites so that every student feels valued in the classroom.

5. Pre-K to 12th grade, teachers work in classrooms that are smelly by the end of the day.
But the good ones carry on with open windows, or Febreze, or whatever it takes.  Some who have been around a while don't even notice it anymore.

6. Field trips are organizational and stressful nightmares for teachers.
But the good ones plan them anyway (even though it's a good bet that at least one child is going to throw up on the bus) so that students get an important glimpse of life outside the classroom. 

7. There are some students teachers know they may never reach.
But the good ones never give up trying.

 8. Teachers work a lot of extra hours on planning, grading, classroom preparation and extra duties.
But the good ones do whatever it takes to have a successful classroom.

9. Teachers realize their students' needs often go way beyond the academic lessons of the day.
But the good ones stand ready to offer what a child needs to hang on just one more day. It may be a coat, a lunch bag, or a hug. They often see it before anyone else does.

10. Good teachers don't have just a job. They have a calling.
And those who answer the call will never be paid what they're worth. At least in dollars.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Wasting Away in Frantic Parentville

There is an enormous difference between the way we parented #1 in the early 1990s and what #6 is getting in the early 2010s. Two decades, six siblings, and thousands of sleep-deprived hours can take a person a long way down the road to Mellow Town. Having resided in both places, I can assure you that Mellow Town is a lot happier place to hang out than Frantic Parentville.

A side-by-side comparison is useful:

Frantic Parentville (FP, circa 1993) - Babies must sleep on their backs. Do not overwrap the baby as to keep from over-heating.
Mellow Town (MT, circa 2013) - Swaddling is genius. So is letting a baby sleep on his stomach if he refuses to sleep well in any other position. I had major mother-guilt about the times I flipped a wailing infant onto his or her stomach in the middle of the night until my favorite pediatrician assured me that a non-smoking home with a modern baby mattress has a much lower risk of SIDS than simply back-sleeping.

FP- Use copious amounts of anti-bacterial gel, soap, wipes, surfaces, etc. as to keep your baby germ-free.
MT - Lay off the anti-bacterial everything. You are making yourself and the rest of us less healthy.

FP - Schedule feedings, changings, and sleeping as to keep your baby from becoming a tantrum-throwing, parent-controlling tyrant (Growing Kids God's Way, anyone?).
MT - Balance, balance, balance. Enjoy your kid, pay attention to his/her cues, follow your instincts, and don't let anyone make you feel like God does not approve of your child's eating/sleeping/potty training lifestyle.

FP- Start saving for college the very day you learn you are pregnant so as to ward off financial ruin for yourself and all potential offspring.
MT - Save if you can. Spend if you must. Junior college never hurt anybody and if your plan is to make certain your kid can support you in your old age, turns out plumbing is a pretty stable and lucrative career.

FP - Begin an allowance for your little darling around the 2nd birthday so as to guarantee financial responsibility. Use the three bank system (giving, saving, spending) or else.
MT - Nothing wrong with allowances, but watch how easy it is for kids to slip into the selfishness of doing a job for pay instead of simply for the good of the family. (Two dollars per week for six kids equals $11,232. Might as well save that and make sure someone gets a year of college. Or that mom gets a good car down payment.)

FP - Avoid baby talk so as to keep both you and your child from sounding silly.
MT - Baby, that lisp is the cutest thing I've ever heard. Don't you dare let your third grade teacher shame it out of you.

FP - Have multiple thermometers handy throughout the home and check fevers of all children often and well.
MT - Thermometer hasn't worked in years. Rule of thumb is: 1. You're warm, take it easy. 2. You're hot, have some ibuprofen and an ice pack. 3. You're burning my hand with your forehead. Get in the car, we're headed to the ER.

FP - How can we possibly raise well-adjusted American children without at least one magical trip to the Magic Kingdom? We can give up Starbucks for five years or so in order to save up.
MT - Summer vacation time again? Call up the grandparents to book a long weekend and frappuccinos for everyone at Starbucks on the way. Cooking s'mores and chasing fireflies in the backyard is all we really need to secure fantastic childhood memories.

Less is more here in Mellow Town.

Hanging out with #1 and #6 on the first day of college.

Can't even imagine how mellow we'll be the day we drop off #6 at college.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The B Word

Tacking up a fresh new calendar always improves my mood after the craziness of the holidays and those fresh pages seem to invite reinvention. Now is as good a time as any to make some changes that might make my life easier, better, or more productive.

One year, more than a decade ago, I decided to quit apologizing for the state of my house. You know how it sounds. “Oh, do come in and just ignore this huge mess. I’m so sorry I haven’t had time to clean up.” In a home as jam-packed with kids and animals as ours has always been, no one ever comes through my front door to a shining, organized living space.

It used to bother me a lot, but I realized two things. One is that it bothers me far more than anyone else. The other is that apologizing for the mess that is life around here just draws attention to it and puts the listener in the awkward spot of reassuring me that my mess isn’t really important. Which, of course, I should already know and therefore quit talking about.

It truly freed me when I broke that habit. Now I’m tackling a new one.

When asked, “How are you?” my standard answer is, “Busy.” I’m not unlike zillions of other people on that. Much has been said about our busy culture and how we should all simplify and relax and breathe. I don’t know about you, but simplifying sometimes seems like just another thing to put on my to-do list.

Is laundry on your to-do list too?
We are all busy. No need to compare our rosters of paying jobs, volunteer positions, kid activities, social plans, hobbies, etc. Comparing my busy to yours just leads us down a spiral of exhaustion. And, because we are so busy, we don’t need anything else to exhaust us.

The problem for me is that the “so busy” refrain sounds like a lament. As in, “I wish I weren’t so busy. One day I hope to be less busy. I only hope I can survive being so busy.” I’m seeing that focusing on my own busy pace, much like focusing on my messy living room, puts the listener in an awkward spot.

We are all busy. That’s worth repeating.  But when I take a step back and look at my long to-do list I see clearly. That list is the result of decisions I’ve made that have led to a happy life full of things that bless me far more than they exhaust me. Though relaxing is important, busy is good. 

Which, of course, I should already know and therefore quit talking about.

I’m going to give it a shot.

Monday, January 19, 2015

On the Day You Were Born

Happy 10th birthday, Samuel Hutchens!

We will celebrate this year on a sunny, mild day in Missouri. Your dad will be the one to wake you up with a tickle and a birthday song. He'll be here soon after you get home from school too and will be the one to light the candles and help you set up your new Lego sets and listen to you explain for the 1000th time who's who in your Minecraft world.

No big deal. He's just a dad being a dad.

But being around on your birthday IS a big deal to your dad. He missed your actual first day, you know. He wasn't late, but you were early. He was just steps from getting on a military airplane, headed home from months in Iraq, when he got the call that you weren't waiting.

On the day you were born, I awoke in labor and thought, "Oh no. No way. Not today, baby boy." Your dad was due to fly home on January 22. You were due to be born January 26. That was a pretty good plan. But the thing about babies is that they aren't all that good at following plans.

Your Grandmama was with me and your big sisters and brother at our home in Germany. Maybe she had an intuition that you might come early, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. Always trust your Grandmama's intuition. It's a good thing she was there on that very cold, very dark, very early morning.

Now that you know us both so well you might think it's a little bit funny that your Grandmama and I got lost in the icy, windy weather. We wandered the roads for a while before we found the right turn for the Krankenhaus (which is a great German word... isn't everyone cranky when they have to go to the hospital?). Thank goodness you weren't in TOO much of a hurry. Just enough to make sure we would all have a really good story to tell.

I called Dad's sergeant and he called Dad. I think he said something like, "I've got bad news, Sir." That scared Dad half to death so when the sergeant told him you were going to arrive before his plane made it back, Dad wasn't as upset as he might have been. Maybe that sergeant knew what he was doing.

You'll have a hard time imagining this, but you were born before cell phones were easy to use internationally. That means your dad and I had no way of talking to each other until he found a land line that would connect to the hospital. You hadn't quite arrived and we discussed for a minute or two what we should name you (I know...we should have had that figured out already). I told your dad that I didn't really care (having a baby isn't easy and I was so tired at that point that he could have named you Big Duke for all I cared). We'd narrowed it down to Samuel or Benjamin. Your middle name was definitely going to be Hutchens, the maiden name of your other grandmother.

The line was bad so we had to hang up. You were born pretty quickly after that. You were so pink and round and adorable. I think you had a smile on your face from the very beginning. It's like you knew you'd pulled a joke on all of us by choosing your own birth date. Your sisters and brother showed up pretty quickly. They took one look at you and said, "He looks like a Sam." And, well, you did. So I signed the birth certificate that made you officially Samuel Hutchens Bartee.

Then Dad called again. As soon as I told him that you were healthy and happy and perfect, he said, "I decided we should definitely name him Benjamin." Umm... I had to tell him that you already had a name. Poor Dad had a rough day. It wasn't until he actually saw you that he agreed you really did look like a Sam.

And, oh, when he actually saw you. Would you believe I remembered to grab the camera and snap this picture?

Look at your dad. He's still in his uniform. He still has sand in his boots and the sweat of two days traveling on a cargo plane. And the exhausted face of someone who has not slept in about 36 hours. And you can't see it in this photo, but he has the proud tears that every daddy has on the day he finally holds his baby. 

He got to you as fast as he could. He's a dad you can count on.

Happy birthday, kid. You still keep us guessing. And you still give us great stories to tell. We should have known from that very first day that you'd be one of a kind. Kind a chip off the old block.