Life is absurd. And life is precious. Family is a lot of both.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Google is a Mom's Best Friend

What kind of a genius kid sticks dog food up his nose?

I'd watched him playing with the bowl earlier. Child #5 gets to do a lot of things Child #1 never could. I saw his tiny tongue take a tiny lick and said, "Ewww, Sweetie, that's gross." Then I walked away for a minute. (It's possible he gets his genius from me.)

When I returned to the kitchen he was sniffing. A lot. Then the snot was flowing and I suddenly thought, “Oh no. Surely he's not that stupid."

I had no choice but to pin that toddler to the floor and shine a flashlight right up his nose. Snot-covered dog food looks about like you would expect under bright lights. He was breathing fine but I was afraid we were destined for the Emergency Room. And if there's one place I will do just about anything to avoid, it's the Emergency Room.

It was clear that the little guy was becoming very uncomfortable. It could have been from the expansion of the dog food as it absorbed liquid. Or it could have been that every five minutes I pinned him again to check the progress. Like most mothers, I hate to see my offspring unhappy, unsettled or covered in snot. So I did what all good modern mothers do. I Googled.

I was dismayed when the entire first page featured links with advice "RUSH THE TODDLER TO THE ER IMMEDIATELY SO HE DOES NOT DIE OF THE DOG FOOD". I was growing concerned, but calmly clicked through to page three (where I have found Google hides the really good stuff). What I read seemed too simple, too heroic, too hilarious to be true. But simple, heroic and hilarious are the guideposts of my parenting so I jumped right in with ambition.

"Hold his legs," I hollered at his brother as I straddled the poor kid's chest. "What are you doing?!" my teenager yelped. "You won't believe it if I tell you, so just hold tight there. He has dog food stuck in his nose." "Way to go, genius," Big Brother smirked. The toddler just looked up at me with eyes wide and nose streaming.

"Here goes nothing," I muttered as I pinched the unblocked nostril, took a deep breath, then blew as hard as I could directly into his little mouth. We were all three surprised when a wad of snot-covered, almost-dissolved kibble came shooting out of his nose.

After a half-second of stunned silence, the toddler and I burst out laughing. The tough teenager ran for the bathroom wailing, "I’m gonna puke!”

I don't know who invented Google. But I'm pretty sure he was a genius.

1 comment :

  1. I was trying not to laugh hysterically in bed as I read this since my husband is asleep. It's funny to hear you talk about a crazy life. You always seemed so smart, and calm, and a picture of goodness - it's quite hilarious to see this really fun and funny side of you.